Contrary to characters in movies like American Pie or its equivalent for my generation - Porky’s, not every teenage boy is ready or eager to lose his virginity. For many of us, it’s threatening, confusing and downright scary.

You Want to Do What?!

The first time I turned down a coital proposition (in grade 11), it was more out of surprise than fear. Maybe I’m just more oblivious than most, but I never saw it coming. Kissing was great; that is, after a horrible first try in my green Honda civic after watching Footloose, when I sadly deciding on the way home that I just didn’t like kissing. Second base (feeling her up at the back of Mr. Quan’s physics classroom while the teachers were having a meeting up front) left me physically shaking the rest of the afternoon. Third base was a pure primal experience, my hands and body instinctively discovering what to do in the backseat of mom’s Rabbit diesel (as soon as it was over, Kyle and Lisa shouted out from the car next to us that they’d won the bet about whether or not I’d groan – no secrets on a teenage double date).

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The trick about being an effectively destructive mother-in-law is to phrase things in a way that seem entirely reasonable. Make it sound as though you’re trying to be helpful and actually really care for your daughter-in-law’s well being.

Start by commenting on the cooking…

When your daughter-in-law puts in an annoyingly huge effort to cook a lavish meal for you and starts fishing for compliments, be sure to remind her that “normal people” eat earlier in the day and gently suggest this could help her keep her weight down. If this doesn’t squelch her attempts to impress you with her culinary skills, be sure to mention several times how rich the food is, and though delicious, the amount of fat is going to give you a heart attack. Say this particularly if she’s a better cook than you are.

Be sure not to complain outright that the food is too spicy. Simply grab at your throat, drink a great deal of water, see if you can work up an excellent flushed complexion. (Holding your breath while fanning your face works well.) Best not to comment on the distinctly ethnic recipe, counter with a complaint of heartburn instead. When she makes a plain light meal next, ask to pass the salt at least three times, then the pepper, then request butter, lemon, ketchup, soy sauce, hot mustard or anything that will “jazz it up.” Chuckle compassionately and whisper, “I remember when I was just starting out in the kitchen too!” Then end the meal with a reference to your best dish and how much your son loves it. Offer to give her the recipe.

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The holidays are coming, the stock markets have crashed, banks are belly up, and you’re locked in your apartment with pocket lint. Don’t let a money slump get in the way of love. There are a million fun ways to date on the cheap. Get creative and get out. When you’re with someone you dig, you can do almost anything and have a good time. Plus, you’ll get cool-points for your ingenuity.